Let’s define these manuals.

The manuals we have for other people – spouses, friends, siblings, parents, kids, colleagues – are essentially unwritten instruction books. They describe how these people are supposed to think, feel, act, talk, behave, react, etc. We rarely tell people what’s in our manuals for them because we rarely acknowledge we even have them. But we all do.

Why do we create manuals in the first place?

Generally, we have manuals in order to make ourselves feel better. Think about it – if my boyfriend called me every evening I was traveling, that’d be awesome and it would make me feel important (to him) and happy and if he asked me what was bothering me when I had a sad face, it would make me feel loved and cared for. All positive emotions and feelings!

Unfortunately, when we have manuals for people and they don’t follow them, we are often left disappointed and hurt and it causes us emotional suffering. Manuals exist as a way for us to control others which, whether we recognize it or not, we believe helps control our own emotions and feelings. But you are the one that controls your emotions and feelings by your thoughts. Other people don’t control them.

We are certain that if people would follow the manual we have for them, we would feel <insert positive emotion>. Sounds great, right? Also, consequently, we think that until they follow our manual, we can’t be happy. But what we’re doing is expending loads of energy trying to change, manipulate and control others, when in truth, our happiness comes from within us.

Humans are free to do whatever the heck they want. It’s not our job or responsibility to control other people. If (and when, for some people) we do, it’s an exhausting, overwhelming and disappointing task. It’s so very important to remember that we can only control ourselves and our reactions to others.

We have manuals for everyone.

I feel safe in saying you have a manual for every important person in your life (and for lots of unimportant ones, too, but let’s focus on the key ones). I often find that when I feel disappointed in someone, it likely has to do with a manual instruction I have for them. Specific phrases in manuals often have the words “should” or “supposed to” in them. Here are some more examples:

• He should reply to my text as soon as he reads it.
• She should work less on weekends.
• They are supposed to sit quietly and listen attentively when I speak to them.
• She is supposed to buy me flowers for my birthday.
• He shouldn’t roll his eyes at me.
• They are supposed to load their dirty dishes into the dishwasher.
• He should come straight home after work.
• They should only drive 5 miles over the speed limit.

The more you can loosen and let go of your manuals, the more peaceful and freer you’ll feel. It’s about taking back power and control for yourself versus giving it away to others. If you can relax your manuals, you let go of being a control freak (I’m raising my hand, too!). Give yourself some grace in this process. However old you are is likely how long you’ve been mentally drafting manuals for people in your life. Yep, it’s a long time and can be extremely rooted into our lives.

It can be a challenging process to examine the manuals you’ve created, but once you start, you’ll be amazed at how rewarding it can be. If you’d like help in this process, let me know. I’d love to see you succeed in gaining back your freedom and living a more peaceful and enjoyable life.

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

Old ways aren’t always the best ways.

My efforts at getting unstuck have taken awhile to hone. In the past, it usually involved me waiting around until I stumbled across a person or a thing that brought some level of change into my life. Such as my Aunt Sue telling me about the newest app that effectively organized my work schedule and home responsibilities which made my days flow more smoothly. Or my sweet friend Dana who took me to her monthly book club which allowed me to delve into a variety of subjects that opened my mind to new perspectives and ideas. Or waiting for my boyfriend to do something fun and exciting and invite me along. Yep, my answer to getting unstuck was to wait around for external things or people to bring about change to me. It never crossed my mind that I was responsible in bringing about change for me.

What story are you telling yourself?

Certainly, change that comes from external sources is not bad. It can offer you new ideas and viewpoints that you may not come up with on your own. But I believe the best and most rewarding ways of getting ourselves unstuck come from within us. Take a moment to notice your thoughts. What kind of story are you telling yourself? Are you telling yourself that things will never be different? Are you telling yourself that you can’t possibly find a new partner/new job/new house/new life because of negative attributes you’ve given yourself? Are you blaming yourself or others for mistakes made in the past or reliving old patterns that don’t serve you anymore? Are you afraid/nervous/anxious/unclear about taking the steps necessary for change to happen?

Our thoughts are the starting point to getting unstuck.

When being stuck and my desire for change feels overwhelming, I literally encourage and tell myself to use forward momentum. If I do nothing, nothing changes. If I can just take a baby step towards something (anything!), there’s a shift in momentum, even if it’s tiny. And let me tell you, those tiny steps eventually add up! It’s also in that forward movement where I find small wins and those wins mean I’ve accomplished something. And when I accomplish something, I often feel proud of myself. See the pattern?

Encouraging Thoughts –> Baby Steps/Forward Momentum –> Small Wins –> Accomplishment/Movement Towards Getting Unstuck

If the idea of talking to yourself in a kind and encouraging way feels foreign to you, start there. Use a little forward momentum to begin exploring your thoughts and your inner voice. It can create a cascade of movement towards positive transformation and it’s a beautiful first step in creating change for you from within you. Then, keep going! We all get stuck from time to time and it can mean a million different things to a million different people. By focusing on your thoughts and using forward momentum, you have two powerful tools to create constructive change for yourself.

And while I’m grateful I found a better and healthier process for getting myself unstuck, it’s certainly not the only way. Do you have a different method that works for you? Let me know in the comments below. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

Then fast forward 20 or so years. I was looking to switch up my workout and decided maybe it was time to try yoga again. And, low and behold, I liked it. In fact, I loved it! I loved the challenge. I loved learning the postures and breathing techniques. And I loved how my mind and body felt after a yoga session. Recently, one of my yoga instructors suggested our class try a crow pose – a challenging pose in which your hands are planted on the floor, your shins rest on your upper arms and your feet lift off the ground. Umm okay! My first efforts were feeble and unsuccessful. But after numerous attempts, I finally got it (albeit a bit wobbly)! My face lit up like a little kid riding their bike for the first time without someone holding onto the seat. I was so happy! But more importantly, I was so proud of myself.

Pride is a fascinating emotion.

Pride, in regard to emotion, is a loaded term. It can be a feeling of great pleasure or satisfaction from one’s achievements or the quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance. The difference between the two descriptions is a bit jarring. The first one imparts a positive feeling while the second one gives a negative impression. They both describe a person’s emotion, but it’s like taking the first definition and kicking it up a notch or ten to reach the second. Pride in one’s own accomplishments is beautiful! It’s truly my favorite emotion. But to intensify that feeling and inflate one’s own ego to then believe you are more superior because of your achievements, leads to the second definition. Interesting, isn’t it?

I believe one of the best and most exciting qualities about the good pride is that it often surprises us. And it does so because in the back of our minds, we think that maybe we can’t do the thing we are trying to do. I wasn’t 100% sure I could do a crow pose. I didn’t know if my entire body would balance on my hands and wrists. But it did and I did it! We learn and try so many new things in our early years of life that it feels second nature, but overcoming something challenging in midlife and beyond is a unique kind of feeling. As we age, the process and practice of learning and attempting new things tends to wane. We often find a way to do something and stick with it, sometimes for months or years or the rest of our lives. But if you never try anything new or push yourself beyond what you believe you’re capable of, how can you feel proud of yourself?

Self-promotion or humility?

Once you’ve experienced a sense of pride, what you do with it and your joyful moment is up to you. Do you keep it to yourself or share it with your partner? Do you tell a few close friends or your entire social media audience? If you choose to share it with others and the message about your pride comes across as self-promoting or arrogant, you may get negative backlash. But if you lace your achievement with humility and modesty, it’s more apt to be received in a positive way.

How you communicate your pride can be the difference between the two definitions noted above and what differentiates pride from being a sin or a virtue. So while I felt very proud of my crow pose success, I don’t believe I’m better than others because of it. I’m just proud of me.

Find ways to feel proud.

You have so many opportunities each day to feel proud of yourself. Maybe you’re struggling with anxiety or depression and getting out of bed in the morning is difficult. Give yourself the gift of pride when you do get out of bed. You may think that’s too “normal and boring” to feel proud about, but if it’s something you’re struggling with and you accomplish it, you should be proud of yourself! Maybe you want to have a healthier relationship with alcohol. Your consumption feels excessive and you want to make changes. How about feeling proud of yourself for drinking one less drink a day? Or maybe you decide that on Tuesdays you won’t drink alcohol? Take a moment to feel the pride that comes with achieving something you weren’t 100% sure you could do – because you deserve it.

I love the feeling of being happy, but being proud of myself always leads me to experience happiness. It’s a win-win. Like I’m getting an incredible 2-for-1 deal. Each day, see if you can recognize a time when you succeeded at something you weren’t sure you could accomplish. Those moments give us the opportunity to feel proud of ourselves, increase our self-confidence and motivate us to continue tackling challenges and adversities moving forward.

So, when’s the last time you felt proud of yourself?

With grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

But what about the time when my to-do list is endless and I can feel my blood pressure rising and I open my junk drawer and get to work cleaning? Going through every nook and ribbon scrap and paper clip. Scrubbing the bottom and sides until it shines. What’s going on then? I don’t have time for this! Yet I feel compelled to organize and present the most amazingly clean junk drawer there ever was…and I don’t know why.

Let’s break that down.

At times, when a person organizes, something truly needs to be arranged properly. Things are a mess and need to be taken care of. But what about those times when you feel like you just need to give something some order? The times when organizing is an unplanned event and not a deliberate act? Like when you, somewhat frantically, reorganize your utensil drawer in the kitchen and then consolidate the paperwork on your desk. Or maybe you categorize your t-shirts by color and size and then start scrubbing the scuzz off the washer and dryer that accumulated out of thin air. What’s going on that compels you to dive into organizing or cleaning when you, most certainly, have far better priorities to attend to?

Maybe…just maybe…it has something to do with what you’re thinking. Something’s on your mind and it doesn’t have anything to do with organizing. Or does it? Maybe it’s your thoughts that need organizing and not your utensil drawer. Perhaps you have a difficult conversation coming up and you don’t know how to handle it. Or, you’re unclear which career path to follow or how best to move forward after a layoff. Our thoughts percolate in our minds without us realizing how they’re affecting our day to day lives. They influence our feelings and actions and by organizing our sock drawer, we think we’ve found some relief from the stress and anxiety.

But the relief doesn’t last.

We can organize and tidy our homes from top to bottom and inside out, but without addressing the real cause of our problem, our stressful feelings won’t go away. It’s merely a temporary fix for a larger, often more complicated, issue and it’s ultimately ineffective because what you’re treating is the symptom and not the root cause of your feelings.

For instance, you may be worried about a complicated decision you need to make next week. To ease your mind, without realizing it, your sudden burst of cleaning energy is actually your attempt at asserting control over some part of your life. Trying to bring order to your environment. And, of course, that’s not all bad. Having a spotless laundry room is great, but cleaning up your thoughts is even better – because that’s where you’ll find true reprieve from the stress and anxiety you’re feeling.

Self-Awareness

Being aware that we are struggling with something on an emotional level is key. Cleaning and organizing are obviously not harmful, but they will only provide you with short-term relief. It’s important to understand that your thoughts create your feelings which result in your actions. If you feel stressed and anxious and that results in you furiously cleaning your home, it’s time to explore your thoughts. There’s likely a bigger issue you may be neglecting that requires your attention.

Studying your thoughts might seem foreign to you, but I promise, once you start focusing on them, it’ll change your life for the better. And you’re absolutely worth it.

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

That depends. Both life coaches and therapists focus on improving people’s well-being, but there are some distinct differences between the two. Coaches are professionals that work on improving certain skills for personal or professional development, but are not medical or healthcare professionals. They provide clarity, self-awareness, self-confidence and guidance to help clients reach their goals. And often, the timeframe for working with a coach is shorter than working a therapist.

Therapists, on the other hand, are licensed and trained medical professionals that provide mental health treatment for people with diagnosed mental illnesses. Some of the reasons people seek therapists is to assist them with deeply-held beliefs, emotional difficulties or past trauma. Also, therapists often work with clients for extended periods of time, sometimes years.

Another way to look at the difference between the two is that therapists are past and present-focused while coaches look at where a client is today and where they want to be in the future. Therapists focus on “why” certain behavioral and psychological patterns occur and coaches work on “how” to reach a goal.

It’s important to understand that the life coaching industry is unregulated. Many coaches are certified, but it’s not a necessity. What’s more essential is that you find someone you trust and connect with and that your coach guides and encourages you to reach your goal. That’s their job.

If you still aren’t sure which professional to consult, you might want to evaluate your situation based on the answer to the question, “What do I want to accomplish?” If it’s more goal oriented, seek out a life coach. If it’s geared more towards mental health or past behavioral patterns, a therapist may be more beneficial for you.

Now, back to your problem. Spend a little time talking to different coaches and therapists to see who feels like a fit for you. We are all unique and different. Find someone you feel comfortable talking to – you’ll be doing a lot of that with them. And the good news? You can absolutely have both if that best fits your needs.

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.