Manuals: Our Attempt to Control Others and Why it Doesn’t Work

Once upon a time, I met a lovely, funny, handsome man. We met and hung out and played and ate and laughed and talked. It was loads of fun! Happily, things became more serious. We labeled ourselves Officially in a Relationship and moved in together. And then I got out my manual. Without being aware that I had it in the first place, I started to have expectations of him as my significant other. “He should eat healthy when I want to eat healthy and want to eat pizza when I want to eat pizza.” “He’s supposed to know that my sad face means he should ask me if something is bothering me.” “When I’m traveling, he’s supposed to call me every evening.” “He should go to bed at the same time I go to bed (don’t laugh, I really thought this!).” And, oh boy, was I in for a surprise and a bunch of disappointment as he, mostly, did not comply with my silent, uncommunicative expectations.

Let’s define these manuals.

The manuals we have for other people – spouses, friends, siblings, parents, kids, colleagues – are essentially unwritten instruction books. They describe how these people are supposed to think, feel, act, talk, behave, react, etc. We rarely tell people what’s in our manuals for them because we rarely acknowledge we even have them. But we all do.

Why do we create manuals in the first place?

Generally, we have manuals in order to make ourselves feel better. Think about it – if my boyfriend called me every evening I was traveling, that’d be awesome and it would make me feel important (to him) and happy and if he asked me what was bothering me when I had a sad face, it would make me feel loved and cared for. All positive emotions and feelings!

Unfortunately, when we have manuals for people and they don’t follow them, we are often left disappointed and hurt and it causes us emotional suffering. Manuals exist as a way for us to control others which, whether we recognize it or not, we believe helps control our own emotions and feelings. But you are the one that controls your emotions and feelings by your thoughts. Other people don’t control them.

We are certain that if people would follow the manual we have for them, we would feel <insert positive emotion>. Sounds great, right? Also, consequently, we think that until they follow our manual, we can’t be happy. But what we’re doing is expending loads of energy trying to change, manipulate and control others, when in truth, our happiness comes from within us.

Humans are free to do whatever the heck they want. It’s not our job or responsibility to control other people. If (and when, for some people) we do, it’s an exhausting, overwhelming and disappointing task. It’s so very important to remember that we can only control ourselves and our reactions to others.

We have manuals for everyone.

I feel safe in saying you have a manual for every important person in your life (and for lots of unimportant ones, too, but let’s focus on the key ones). I often find that when I feel disappointed in someone, it likely has to do with a manual instruction I have for them. Specific phrases in manuals often have the words “should” or “supposed to” in them. Here are some more examples:

• He should reply to my text as soon as he reads it.
• She should work less on weekends.
• They are supposed to sit quietly and listen attentively when I speak to them.
• She is supposed to buy me flowers for my birthday.
• He shouldn’t roll his eyes at me.
• They are supposed to load their dirty dishes into the dishwasher.
• He should come straight home after work.
• They should only drive 5 miles over the speed limit.

The more you can loosen and let go of your manuals, the more peaceful and freer you’ll feel. It’s about taking back power and control for yourself versus giving it away to others. If you can relax your manuals, you let go of being a control freak (I’m raising my hand, too!). Give yourself some grace in this process. However old you are is likely how long you’ve been mentally drafting manuals for people in your life. Yep, it’s a long time and can be extremely rooted into our lives.

It can be a challenging process to examine the manuals you’ve created, but once you start, you’ll be amazed at how rewarding it can be. If you’d like help in this process, let me know. I’d love to see you succeed in gaining back your freedom and living a more peaceful and enjoyable life.

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.