Let’s define these manuals.

The manuals we have for other people – spouses, friends, siblings, parents, kids, colleagues – are essentially unwritten instruction books. They describe how these people are supposed to think, feel, act, talk, behave, react, etc. We rarely tell people what’s in our manuals for them because we rarely acknowledge we even have them. But we all do.

Why do we create manuals in the first place?

Generally, we have manuals in order to make ourselves feel better. Think about it – if my boyfriend called me every evening I was traveling, that’d be awesome and it would make me feel important (to him) and happy and if he asked me what was bothering me when I had a sad face, it would make me feel loved and cared for. All positive emotions and feelings!

Unfortunately, when we have manuals for people and they don’t follow them, we are often left disappointed and hurt and it causes us emotional suffering. Manuals exist as a way for us to control others which, whether we recognize it or not, we believe helps control our own emotions and feelings. But you are the one that controls your emotions and feelings by your thoughts. Other people don’t control them.

We are certain that if people would follow the manual we have for them, we would feel <insert positive emotion>. Sounds great, right? Also, consequently, we think that until they follow our manual, we can’t be happy. But what we’re doing is expending loads of energy trying to change, manipulate and control others, when in truth, our happiness comes from within us.

Humans are free to do whatever the heck they want. It’s not our job or responsibility to control other people. If (and when, for some people) we do, it’s an exhausting, overwhelming and disappointing task. It’s so very important to remember that we can only control ourselves and our reactions to others.

We have manuals for everyone.

I feel safe in saying you have a manual for every important person in your life (and for lots of unimportant ones, too, but let’s focus on the key ones). I often find that when I feel disappointed in someone, it likely has to do with a manual instruction I have for them. Specific phrases in manuals often have the words “should” or “supposed to” in them. Here are some more examples:

• He should reply to my text as soon as he reads it.
• She should work less on weekends.
• They are supposed to sit quietly and listen attentively when I speak to them.
• She is supposed to buy me flowers for my birthday.
• He shouldn’t roll his eyes at me.
• They are supposed to load their dirty dishes into the dishwasher.
• He should come straight home after work.
• They should only drive 5 miles over the speed limit.

The more you can loosen and let go of your manuals, the more peaceful and freer you’ll feel. It’s about taking back power and control for yourself versus giving it away to others. If you can relax your manuals, you let go of being a control freak (I’m raising my hand, too!). Give yourself some grace in this process. However old you are is likely how long you’ve been mentally drafting manuals for people in your life. Yep, it’s a long time and can be extremely rooted into our lives.

It can be a challenging process to examine the manuals you’ve created, but once you start, you’ll be amazed at how rewarding it can be. If you’d like help in this process, let me know. I’d love to see you succeed in gaining back your freedom and living a more peaceful and enjoyable life.

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

Old ways aren’t always the best ways.

My efforts at getting unstuck have taken awhile to hone. In the past, it usually involved me waiting around until I stumbled across a person or a thing that brought some level of change into my life. Such as my Aunt Sue telling me about the newest app that effectively organized my work schedule and home responsibilities which made my days flow more smoothly. Or my sweet friend Dana who took me to her monthly book club which allowed me to delve into a variety of subjects that opened my mind to new perspectives and ideas. Or waiting for my boyfriend to do something fun and exciting and invite me along. Yep, my answer to getting unstuck was to wait around for external things or people to bring about change to me. It never crossed my mind that I was responsible in bringing about change for me.

What story are you telling yourself?

Certainly, change that comes from external sources is not bad. It can offer you new ideas and viewpoints that you may not come up with on your own. But I believe the best and most rewarding ways of getting ourselves unstuck come from within us. Take a moment to notice your thoughts. What kind of story are you telling yourself? Are you telling yourself that things will never be different? Are you telling yourself that you can’t possibly find a new partner/new job/new house/new life because of negative attributes you’ve given yourself? Are you blaming yourself or others for mistakes made in the past or reliving old patterns that don’t serve you anymore? Are you afraid/nervous/anxious/unclear about taking the steps necessary for change to happen?

Our thoughts are the starting point to getting unstuck.

When being stuck and my desire for change feels overwhelming, I literally encourage and tell myself to use forward momentum. If I do nothing, nothing changes. If I can just take a baby step towards something (anything!), there’s a shift in momentum, even if it’s tiny. And let me tell you, those tiny steps eventually add up! It’s also in that forward movement where I find small wins and those wins mean I’ve accomplished something. And when I accomplish something, I often feel proud of myself. See the pattern?

Encouraging Thoughts –> Baby Steps/Forward Momentum –> Small Wins –> Accomplishment/Movement Towards Getting Unstuck

If the idea of talking to yourself in a kind and encouraging way feels foreign to you, start there. Use a little forward momentum to begin exploring your thoughts and your inner voice. It can create a cascade of movement towards positive transformation and it’s a beautiful first step in creating change for you from within you. Then, keep going! We all get stuck from time to time and it can mean a million different things to a million different people. By focusing on your thoughts and using forward momentum, you have two powerful tools to create constructive change for yourself.

And while I’m grateful I found a better and healthier process for getting myself unstuck, it’s certainly not the only way. Do you have a different method that works for you? Let me know in the comments below. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

Our skills are our abilities, knowledge and competencies to perform a task or a job. These are the things we do each day to earn a living and to make our worlds go ‘round. Strength includes the quality of being physically strong, but also our capacity to withstand great force or pressure. I like to think of that capacity as the strength of our mindset, attitudes and beliefs. And luck? Well, luck is just when good or bad things happen by chance. It’s the roll of the dice resulting in our good or bad fortunes in life.

Death as the ultimate endgame.

I think it’s a safe assumption that our personal endgame is when we come to the conclusion of our skills, strengths and luck. And that would mean death is THE ultimate endgame. For everyone.

Most people have no idea when their endgame will occur, but, to some extent, we do have control over how our endgame looks and feels. Usually, death isn’t on our radar when we’re young and just starting careers, relationships and life in general. But whether you’re 80 years old or have been recently diagnosed with a terminal illness, you certainly have more life behind you than you do in front of you. Perhaps, if you haven’t already, it’s time to start sharing precious heirlooms or special memories or photos with your family. Or letting a close friend or family member know your final wishes from a legal or medical standpoint. You have control over these things. How and where you want to live your final days (maybe it’s on a Caribbean island or in your most beloved recliner!) and who you want, or don’t want, near you are important considerations.

The endgame mindset.

Besides the physical attributes of your last days, have you considered how you might want to feel or think as you reflect on your life during those days? I haven’t worked with any clients who say they choose to be sad, regretful, miserable and cranky at the end of their lives. Sadly, I imagine there are some people who leave this earth in that manner, but if you want to have your final days be filled with gratitude, appreciation, peace and love, you may have some work to do on your outlook.

Your mindset is a big contributor in how you respond and interpret situations. And, in this case, that situation is your death. By working on your beliefs and attitudes, it can be incredibly powerful in how you view the world – your own world and the greater world around you. Even by making small adjustments, you can shift your mindset to find more peace in each day, forgiveness and love for yourself and others, and a sense of gratitude for the life you lived.

Our skills fade.

As we age, almost all of our skills diminish or come to an end. You may have been a trained athlete early in life, but you won’t always be able to compete at the level you once did when you were younger. You may have had mad skills as a teacher or an electrician or an engineer, but you may not keep up with new advances or discoveries or you might lose interest altogether in your chosen career.

Your skills fade over time. You still know how to drive a car, but you often drive much slower as you get older. Your eyesight fades. Your hearing fades. Even your sense of taste fades. But if you work on your mindset, and barring any brain disorders or dementia, it won’t fade. You can keep that for the entirety of your life. And while a disease may affect your brain, there’s not a single person who can take your mindset away from you. No one has that much power.

Is how you live your life how you want to live your death?

Give yourself the time and space to think about how you want to spend your final days. Your death may be looming closely or it could be decades away. It’s never too late (or too early!) to define your endgame. Make your life matter until the very end. And while your skills and physical strength decline over the years, your mindset is resilient if you invest in it.

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

Then fast forward 20 or so years. I was looking to switch up my workout and decided maybe it was time to try yoga again. And, low and behold, I liked it. In fact, I loved it! I loved the challenge. I loved learning the postures and breathing techniques. And I loved how my mind and body felt after a yoga session. Recently, one of my yoga instructors suggested our class try a crow pose – a challenging pose in which your hands are planted on the floor, your shins rest on your upper arms and your feet lift off the ground. Umm okay! My first efforts were feeble and unsuccessful. But after numerous attempts, I finally got it (albeit a bit wobbly)! My face lit up like a little kid riding their bike for the first time without someone holding onto the seat. I was so happy! But more importantly, I was so proud of myself.

Pride is a fascinating emotion.

Pride, in regard to emotion, is a loaded term. It can be a feeling of great pleasure or satisfaction from one’s achievements or the quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance. The difference between the two descriptions is a bit jarring. The first one imparts a positive feeling while the second one gives a negative impression. They both describe a person’s emotion, but it’s like taking the first definition and kicking it up a notch or ten to reach the second. Pride in one’s own accomplishments is beautiful! It’s truly my favorite emotion. But to intensify that feeling and inflate one’s own ego to then believe you are more superior because of your achievements, leads to the second definition. Interesting, isn’t it?

I believe one of the best and most exciting qualities about the good pride is that it often surprises us. And it does so because in the back of our minds, we think that maybe we can’t do the thing we are trying to do. I wasn’t 100% sure I could do a crow pose. I didn’t know if my entire body would balance on my hands and wrists. But it did and I did it! We learn and try so many new things in our early years of life that it feels second nature, but overcoming something challenging in midlife and beyond is a unique kind of feeling. As we age, the process and practice of learning and attempting new things tends to wane. We often find a way to do something and stick with it, sometimes for months or years or the rest of our lives. But if you never try anything new or push yourself beyond what you believe you’re capable of, how can you feel proud of yourself?

Self-promotion or humility?

Once you’ve experienced a sense of pride, what you do with it and your joyful moment is up to you. Do you keep it to yourself or share it with your partner? Do you tell a few close friends or your entire social media audience? If you choose to share it with others and the message about your pride comes across as self-promoting or arrogant, you may get negative backlash. But if you lace your achievement with humility and modesty, it’s more apt to be received in a positive way.

How you communicate your pride can be the difference between the two definitions noted above and what differentiates pride from being a sin or a virtue. So while I felt very proud of my crow pose success, I don’t believe I’m better than others because of it. I’m just proud of me.

Find ways to feel proud.

You have so many opportunities each day to feel proud of yourself. Maybe you’re struggling with anxiety or depression and getting out of bed in the morning is difficult. Give yourself the gift of pride when you do get out of bed. You may think that’s too “normal and boring” to feel proud about, but if it’s something you’re struggling with and you accomplish it, you should be proud of yourself! Maybe you want to have a healthier relationship with alcohol. Your consumption feels excessive and you want to make changes. How about feeling proud of yourself for drinking one less drink a day? Or maybe you decide that on Tuesdays you won’t drink alcohol? Take a moment to feel the pride that comes with achieving something you weren’t 100% sure you could do – because you deserve it.

I love the feeling of being happy, but being proud of myself always leads me to experience happiness. It’s a win-win. Like I’m getting an incredible 2-for-1 deal. Each day, see if you can recognize a time when you succeeded at something you weren’t sure you could accomplish. Those moments give us the opportunity to feel proud of ourselves, increase our self-confidence and motivate us to continue tackling challenges and adversities moving forward.

So, when’s the last time you felt proud of yourself?

With grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

But what about the time when my to-do list is endless and I can feel my blood pressure rising and I open my junk drawer and get to work cleaning? Going through every nook and ribbon scrap and paper clip. Scrubbing the bottom and sides until it shines. What’s going on then? I don’t have time for this! Yet I feel compelled to organize and present the most amazingly clean junk drawer there ever was…and I don’t know why.

Let’s break that down.

At times, when a person organizes, something truly needs to be arranged properly. Things are a mess and need to be taken care of. But what about those times when you feel like you just need to give something some order? The times when organizing is an unplanned event and not a deliberate act? Like when you, somewhat frantically, reorganize your utensil drawer in the kitchen and then consolidate the paperwork on your desk. Or maybe you categorize your t-shirts by color and size and then start scrubbing the scuzz off the washer and dryer that accumulated out of thin air. What’s going on that compels you to dive into organizing or cleaning when you, most certainly, have far better priorities to attend to?

Maybe…just maybe…it has something to do with what you’re thinking. Something’s on your mind and it doesn’t have anything to do with organizing. Or does it? Maybe it’s your thoughts that need organizing and not your utensil drawer. Perhaps you have a difficult conversation coming up and you don’t know how to handle it. Or, you’re unclear which career path to follow or how best to move forward after a layoff. Our thoughts percolate in our minds without us realizing how they’re affecting our day to day lives. They influence our feelings and actions and by organizing our sock drawer, we think we’ve found some relief from the stress and anxiety.

But the relief doesn’t last.

We can organize and tidy our homes from top to bottom and inside out, but without addressing the real cause of our problem, our stressful feelings won’t go away. It’s merely a temporary fix for a larger, often more complicated, issue and it’s ultimately ineffective because what you’re treating is the symptom and not the root cause of your feelings.

For instance, you may be worried about a complicated decision you need to make next week. To ease your mind, without realizing it, your sudden burst of cleaning energy is actually your attempt at asserting control over some part of your life. Trying to bring order to your environment. And, of course, that’s not all bad. Having a spotless laundry room is great, but cleaning up your thoughts is even better – because that’s where you’ll find true reprieve from the stress and anxiety you’re feeling.

Self-Awareness

Being aware that we are struggling with something on an emotional level is key. Cleaning and organizing are obviously not harmful, but they will only provide you with short-term relief. It’s important to understand that your thoughts create your feelings which result in your actions. If you feel stressed and anxious and that results in you furiously cleaning your home, it’s time to explore your thoughts. There’s likely a bigger issue you may be neglecting that requires your attention.

Studying your thoughts might seem foreign to you, but I promise, once you start focusing on them, it’ll change your life for the better. And you’re absolutely worth it.

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

If you’re midlife and have children, those children are likely now young adults. Probably starting to pursue careers and independent lives of their own without needing constant support or frequent assistance from you. And if you’re midlife and have parents that are still living, it could mean helping take care of your parents in a variety of ways at varying levels of care. Midlife is also considered the Sandwich Generation – providing simultaneous support for young adult children and aging parents.

Wow, that feels like a lot.

And it is! But it’s not just children and parents that you’re juggling. You’re also managing other relationships, extended families, your job and trying to find time for yourself which can often lead to burnout, depression, isolation and guilt. Midlife is commonly the time when we reassess our lives – take stock of our financial situation, come to terms with increasing limitations and perhaps regrets about our past. There are changes in jobs, careers, marriages and possibly the early stages of mental or physical decline. Yes, that is a lot.

No wonder midlife crises are so popular, but not really by choice. They can be a result of all that turbulence and ambiguity. And while midlife transitions can be overwhelming and challenging, they can also be an opportunity to look ahead with a growth mindset and not down the path to a shiny red sports car.

“So how do I endure midlife?”

You make the most of it! Every challenge you face in a transitional period, whether it’s midlife or another stage, can be seen as a learning opportunity – to be better and to do better. It’s about your perspective and mindset. Trust me, I know those challenges are hard. They often highlight our weaknesses in ways we’d rather not see, but try to look at what the challenges are teaching you.

Maybe it’s finally pushing you to get organized and bring your multi-tasking skills to the varsity team. Maybe it’s teaching you to say No to things that aren’t a priority for you but are causing you added stress. Or maybe it’s about learning to shift your mindset about how you look at it all. When you start understanding your thoughts, it drastically affects your emotions, actions and results. Reach out to a friend who seems to be mastering midlife – tap them for ideas. Also, life coaches are amazing resources that help you sift through your challenges and mindset and provide guidance as you move forward through the ambiguity.

Ok, let’s do this

You’re in midlife. That means you have a wealth of life experience behind you, you’re likely a more confident person and you know what you value. Start there, but then push yourself and go further. There’s room for growth in the chaos. If you can shift your perspective to see your transitions and challenges from a different mindset, you might just see a new outlook that resembles a warm, glowing glimmer of light.

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

That depends. Both life coaches and therapists focus on improving people’s well-being, but there are some distinct differences between the two. Coaches are professionals that work on improving certain skills for personal or professional development, but are not medical or healthcare professionals. They provide clarity, self-awareness, self-confidence and guidance to help clients reach their goals. And often, the timeframe for working with a coach is shorter than working a therapist.

Therapists, on the other hand, are licensed and trained medical professionals that provide mental health treatment for people with diagnosed mental illnesses. Some of the reasons people seek therapists is to assist them with deeply-held beliefs, emotional difficulties or past trauma. Also, therapists often work with clients for extended periods of time, sometimes years.

Another way to look at the difference between the two is that therapists are past and present-focused while coaches look at where a client is today and where they want to be in the future. Therapists focus on “why” certain behavioral and psychological patterns occur and coaches work on “how” to reach a goal.

It’s important to understand that the life coaching industry is unregulated. Many coaches are certified, but it’s not a necessity. What’s more essential is that you find someone you trust and connect with and that your coach guides and encourages you to reach your goal. That’s their job.

If you still aren’t sure which professional to consult, you might want to evaluate your situation based on the answer to the question, “What do I want to accomplish?” If it’s more goal oriented, seek out a life coach. If it’s geared more towards mental health or past behavioral patterns, a therapist may be more beneficial for you.

Now, back to your problem. Spend a little time talking to different coaches and therapists to see who feels like a fit for you. We are all unique and different. Find someone you feel comfortable talking to – you’ll be doing a lot of that with them. And the good news? You can absolutely have both if that best fits your needs.

With Grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.

I see you. And I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to imagine the emotional rollercoaster you’ve been on since you received your news. How are you? I mean, how are you coping and digesting and dealing with everything? The life-changing news? The flood of emotions? The planning and preparing?

You must be overwhelmed. I think I would feel completely overwhelmed. Have you already gone through your own stages of grief? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I hear they don’t always go in order. And sometimes people skip steps or cycle back and forth among the stages. I guess no one really knows until they’ve been where you are. Perhaps just knowing they exist — to put words to the somewhat vague structure of emotions and feelings — provides some level of comfort.

Would it help to talk to someone? At times, these conversations are hard for our friends and family. Death is often a difficult topic. Maybe talking to a neutral person about past memories or what scares you about death or how best to focus on your favorite people would offer you some peace. Or perhaps you’d find a bit of closure if someone were to help you finalize plans, listen as you make the most of each day or support you in how you define your legacy.

I understand that people toward the end stages of life are often worried about being a burden to their families. I was a Hospice volunteer for years and heard this concern many times. Is that a worry of yours? How can I help you soften that burden on your family? There are many opportunities and resources to ease that weight for you and for them.

A “good death” means different things to everyone, but I bet you want each of your last days to be as good and happy as they can be. I would. Share your thoughts with the people who will be closest to you at the end of your life. They may not want to hear it, but they need to know. And I have a feeling they will appreciate and find comfort knowing they did as you asked, especially after you’re gone.

As you consider your final days, it would be my honor to give you my time and attention. I can be a sounding board for you without judgment. If not me, I hope you have someone who’s loving and compassionate in your life that can offer you this precious space and time.

You may be dying, but your life still matters. With dignity and pride and love, make it all count until the end.

With grace,

Leah

P.S. And if this resonated with you in any way, please share it with others. The more compassion and understanding that’s out there in the world, the better.